I am in a vortex of obligation.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
