My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
