If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
