the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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