I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
