I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
