Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
