My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
