Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
