Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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