He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
