If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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