i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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