Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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