Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
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David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
soo... how was my night?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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