Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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