I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
