All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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