get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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