someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
