Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
