Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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