and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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