How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
