I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
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