It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
