I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The adults are the big ones right?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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