I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
