I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
