I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
