1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
