I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
