NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
