You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
