I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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