Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
