Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think people are normalizing furries
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
