So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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