Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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