I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
