I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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