Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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