WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
