I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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