He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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