How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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