we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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