My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
