just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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