even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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