One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
