my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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