I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
