I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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