but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
