The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
