would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
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this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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