What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
